Tomorrow my sweetie is taking me to the Dominican Republic for a well deserved all inclusive get away. Since xmas “aint my thing” and its cold as a witches’ titty outside this is really going to be a fantastic week filled with eat, drink, sun, sea my baby and me.
However I find myself in the same place I always find myself when about to embark on something different and new… I undergo fatty travel anxiety. For me that means trying on every single outfit combination I have with really unhealthy thoughts and fears about being judged or feeling out of place. In particular I am thinking of all the predominantly Euro women parading around with topless chests and oh I want tanned twins but worry about what other might think of me. I worry about my BF comparing me to others and maybe finding me lacking I worry about… well just my fat. Normally and in my normal day to day operations this is something that I have been conquering but the thought of a tropical get away and the anxieties therein have caused some of my old patterns to rear their ugly head… especially in light of now tight clothes from the summer because I have gained weight… the gains have mostly to do with a very overpacked schedule and no time to make healthy choices… as well as a very high stress lifestyle.
How I am conquering this is by first, being gentle with myself seeing, ok I am up a size so the hell what? I am still beautiful still me… and that gain has nothing to do with my self worth or my worthiness to others. And then I kick myself because I am trying to compensate for kicking myself for gaining the weight… then I realize the circular argument is hurting me… like meditation I need to recognize the thoughts them let them go.
My other secret weapon is Hilda. Do you know Hilda? She has become my personal avatar of sorts as I am working going from the diet life to the LOVE life. Hilda is a 1950s pinup girl… the ONLY plus size pin up girl and she is gorgeous. She runs she swims, paints,fishes, rides a bike nope she is no woman on a couch she is no object of art as her beauty is motion and emotion and all the wonderful simple joys of living. When I found her I was like, holy crap she looks just like me, body hair and all and especially that sassy attitude!
This is the best website I can find which talks about her in depth and the artist who created her along with the most comprehensive gallery that I found on the net (but if you know of one with more please share).
So tomorrow and next week I am going to remember Hilda and how adorable she is and how adorable I am whenever I feel anxious shy. Om Hilda Om!