I very rarely watch TV, I do not pay for cable or satellite so I am capable of constructing a reality that supports me and my vision of what is right and true for me. Every eon or so I turn on regular TV and each time I find it more shocking then the last. The other day I happened to find myself watching Dr.Ph*l and he was interviewing people for the new TV show Bridal Plasty where brides to be compete for plastic surgery and a dream wedding. There was one fiance interviewed who wasn’t on the show but she was invited on because she refuses to get married until she loses 40 pounds. Her fiance and father of her child loves her, thinks she is beautiful just the way she is but she refuses to get married until she can reclaim the pre-baby slimness she knew as a young girl.
Honestly, the first thought that same to me was, “Thank God I am not this woman.” Due to my work with fat acceptance and body diversity I will no longer delay living my life for a body I do not own. Thank God I am in a place of acceptance and enjoyment of my body. I have miraculously stopped the insanity producing sadness which is the core of the rejection of self. This poor woman has had her self image so totally held hostage by society at large, by the media, by impossible standards she is blinded by it to the point where she cannot allow herself to marry her fiance…. her self hatred is crowding out all the love.
How many times have we crowded out love in our lives because we felt unworthy of being loved? Who have we pushed away because deep down we thought we did not deserve goodness in our lives? We sabotaugue all those little mercies and joys, ruin them in our self defeat then say, “See? I told you I was not worth….” the devil sitting on our shoulder wins.
So many people are operating from a place of lack. So many people find lack within themselves. It’s no surprise that people feel this way when we have been bombarded from an early age and live within a society whose main industrial standard is, “you lack something = here buy this something and feel better!” We have been convinced at depth that we are fundamentally not ok.
So when you and I are working to unhinge the self from the paradigm of lack by saying, “My luscious body is not only acceptable it is god damn hot!” The very act of finding yourself whole is a revolutionary act. And society works so hard to pull you back into its disease, it throws every weapon it has: public shame, disgust, humiliation… you name it. This paradigm wants you to believe you are unworthy of love, success, competence the whole thing… until you conform, until you buy, until you diet. You are not worthy of marriage or love until you get plastic surgery, until you lose weight.
But we know those lists of wants never diminish, we would never reach a state of sanity… until we let go… stop the madness! And say, yes, myself, I accept, yes my body I accept, yes my lovely beating heart yes I am fine just the way that I am. Then just like those late nights where worries loom so large and you are tossing about in your bed then dawn comes and in the bright light of of day all those fears dissipate… yes everything IS totally OK.
I sincerely hope one day the dawn breaks for the bride I talked about. So much… for her and for so many others.