Being a fat acceptance blogger doesn't mean you won't feel down sometimes. It doesn't mean you will come across things that make you question what you believe. It doesn't mean you can brush off all the hurtful words as ignorance. But that's OK.

So over the last few weeks I've been feeling a bit anxious here and there when a few medical symptoms have come on. Also during the last few weeks, I've been really into myself about being fat yet again. I've equated fat as being bad and that to be healthy I need to not be fat. That doesn't sound very fat accepting, and it isn't. However I went there and I'm happy to admit to my flaws.

I'm fairly new to the fat acceptance concept compared to some of the other bloggers on AoF (like my wife) and so I still sometimes struggle with the idea. I still have thoughts of "well it's not healthy to be fat, that's why I'm sick" or "I feel so tired - if only I wasn't so fat!" What is important to remember is that even the best of us at some stage can go back to old, more familiar habits without realising it.

When I think more clearly, the issue is clearly a health one. If I exercised more, I would be healthier. If I ate better (fresher foods; foods that don't upset my reflux; smaller portions which is also important for reflux) then I would be healthier too. Doing these things would help me to be healthy.

"So?", you say. That's a weight loss program.

Yes, it is. But what if I lost no weight? You can eat the perfect diet, and do the perfect amount of exercise and still be fat and healthy. What's so wrong with that? If I have a general level of fitness and a generally good, nutritious diet, then so what?

Weight loss isn't the goal. Healthiness is the goal. If I aim for health and achieve it, it doesn't matter if I'm fat or not. What matters is that you accept me no matter what shape I am, or what level of health I have.

To me, that's fat acceptance as I understand it.

Disagree? Talk to me.

Health is something that I take to be very important. I am happy with being fat as long as I know I am healthy. Just like skinny Joe will want to go walking or running to improve his fitness, I have these wants too. Wanting to be fit and healthy isn't a fat man's problem, it's a human problem. So why am I telling you this? Because I want to admit right now that I'm not very fit and therefore probably not as healthy as I could be.

"Woah, Nick! But you all for fat acceptance! You CAN'T say that‽" Of course I can.

My acceptance of my fatness has nothing to do with my acceptance of being fit and healthy, or my realisation that I'm not. They are not linked like the tides and the moon, or whatever metaphor you would like to go with. I can be fat and not be happy with my fitness. I don't want to you misunderstand though and think I'm wanting to lose weight.

Exercise is important to me, even if I don't make enough time or effort at the moment. I'm not motivated by weight loss, but by the wish to live a happy and healthy life. I'm thinking that I'll end up losing a kilo or two while I walk my way to fitness. I'll also gain cardiovascular fitness, stronger bones and muscles, better stamina and energy levels and a whole lot of other positive benefits.

Last night I read this short article about back pain and core strength. I thought the idea of strengthening my core muscles by sitting on an exercise ball was an interesting concept. So while on my computer last night and while watching Le Tour de France (One day I'm going to do some long distance cycling) I sat on the ball. I didn't feel too much pain and it wasn't uncomfortable. I couldn't lay back and relax, but then I don't really need to.

I noticed the difference this morning though. Slight tinges of "oh, you worked me out you bastard" were being felt in the back and side region as I wandered around first thing this morning.

Regardless of how much exercise (fun, incidental or otherwise) I do I'll still be fat, but I'll be healthy too. That's my goal, not some unobtainable weight as listed in the Weight Watchers Guide to Self-Flagellation. Starting with my core strength seems like an easy one, and will kill off one of my real fun killers - my back pain and weakness.