Friday, October 28th, 2011
Please be advised that this post may be triggering for some readers. It contains weight loss talk, talk of weight loss surgery, and talk about medical conditions and their relationship with obesity.
Earlier this year I was diagnosed with diabeties. The Type II kind. The one that the wider community assumes that all obese people will end up getting. Well, I got it and I have had a hard time trying to deal with that over the last 9 months or so. At the same time I was diagnosed with a condition where my testosterone levels are very low. I have no energy or drive to do things, I struggle to concentrate for long periods of time and I quite often just feel like shit.
I’ve recently started to notice that I feel quite disconnected from my body these days. It’s something that is there and I can feel that it is physically there, but I feel almost separated from it. I don’t feel like I have any control over it. It’s just there and a lot of the time it just gets in the way or doesn’t to the things I want it to do.
I’ve seen a specialist about my condition and their response was that the only viable solution was for me to lose weight. Apparently my condition is brought on by being obese and if I wasn’t so obese then I wouldn’t have the condition. Wow, so simple. They also strongly recommended that I have a Lap Band installed so that I could get the weight off and start to feel better, and that with my failed history of dieting and weight loss attempts that this was my only viable solution. I was gobbsmacked.
I’ve read a fair bit about Lap Bands over the few years that I’ve been apart of the Fat Aceptance movement and the last thing I wanted was one of those. I was angry that this is all I was being offered as a form of treatment. If I didn’t go down this path I would have to deal with my illness myself and that just didn’t seem right.
A couple of months have passed since then and I’m starting to feel desparate. My body feels like it is failing more and more. I have less and less energy to get up and do things. I’m almost completely disinterested in life and there are days where I would just like to switch off and come back in a couple of days or weeks when I feel a little bit better.
Nagging on my mind all this time were the words of this specialist. I must lose weight. i must get a Lap Band. But yet I know that studies show that weight loss diets and ineffective, and that there are many complications with Lap Band surgery that makes it almost not worth the risk. And yet it digs at me.
It digs at me to the point that I have now regressed so far in my thoughts of my body. I feel like it’s my fault that I’m sick and that if I just stopped eating so much and exercised more I would lose some weight and feel better. Wow. That’s so far from the FA mantra that I’ve adopted over the last few years that I feel ashamed to even write it. And yet it is how I feel right now thanks to the good work of that specialist and my brain running over all of this.
I can understand how deseparation could lead someone to get a Lap Band. This morning I almost convinced myself that it was the only way that I was ever going to feel better. I’ve managed to get myself out of that mindset at the moment but I’m sure it will be back. And I’ll have to fight it off again.
If I had some idea of what I could do to fix myself in a way that was nourishing for my body, then I would happily take it. I probably need some sort of eating therapy. I’m convinced that I have disordered eating and no amount of dieting or surgery will fix that. But that kind of thing just isn’t there in mainstream medicine.
So for now I struggle with this mental gap between where my brain is and where my body is. I feel like I’m betraying the Fat Acceptance movement by even writing this post and talking about my struggle. I think it’s important that we all recognise that it is hard to deal with this sort of stuff even if you have been fighting for fat acceptance for years.
Somehow I have to find a solution to my health problem. I don’t know what that is going to be yet. It may be that I get so desparate that I get a Lap Band. I don’t know right now. All I know right now is that I wish there were answers and I wish there were more answers than just “lose weight”.
‘Cause it’s not like I was successful al that over the last 31 years. How the heck would I be able to start now?