Saturday, September 17th, 2011
Hello world, I’m the latest member of the Axis of Fat . I’m a mother of 2 boys who are 4 years old and 1.5 years old. I’m 33 at the moment and had my first child at 29. It was a pretty big shock for me in more ways than one. I’d always been a professional working in high intensity, very make dominated fields with little though to the ‘feminine sphere’ – house, family, child rearing.
As some one who had tended towards chub (at my skinniest I sit around a sz14-16, currently I sit around at 18-20) , I wasn’t as alarmed as many women are about the changes in my body during pregnancy. They all seemed very alarmed about stretchmark, but fuck that noise, I had stretchmarks at 14. Now my stretchmarks had friends. The mind uck for me came after my kids where born. You see my oldest boy was skinny. Really skinny. And having a baby is a through the looking glass experience for anyone who has struggled with weight because it’s all about getting your child to gain weight healthily and this was especially true with my first son who was born slightly prematurely (at the same gestation as myself, which is relatively common for children of prematurely born mothers). And instead of women boasting or commiserating about weight loss they boasted about how much weight their baby had gained that week. Weird. And my kid, somehow given both his parents build, was tiny. I had no end of doctors telling me to make him eat more and offer him more food. Our house has no shortage of food and it’s not like we ration I felt like yelling. Somewhere along the line, at about 18 months old I realize that my kid has stayed about the same weight percentile (and indeed height percentile) no matter what I did. Huh.
Then I got pregnant with baby 2. And this child cooked a longer and came out looking plump. He fed well and had rolls on his rolls on his chubby thigh rolls. People stopped me to tell me “That’s what a baby should look like” and the nurses told me what a good job I had been doing.
Now the boys are eating (or at least being offered) the same food. And it continues. They are both very active and eat pretty healthy meals. But I have one boy who nibbles everything on the plate, squirms and talks until he’s allowed to get down from the table and one who eats everything in front of him then scavenges his brothers left overs, anything from his parents plates, anything he can find in the kitchen! One is so slim the doctor comments on how he has no meat on the bones while the other boy, well, the doctor comments on how much he looks like his parents.
And then I realized;
I love them both with no regard to their body shape. They are beautiful and the size they will be, and their beauty to me is not in spite of their bodies but due to their perfect little bodies.
And then I realized;
That must mean that I have beauty in me. Not in spite of what I look like, but because of what I look like and who I am.
And here I am talking about body image. Not accepting yourself in spite of, but finding the beauty that is in you. That was always into you. That we can all see.