fatty travel anxiety

Tomorrow my sweetie is taking me to the Dominican Republic for a well deserved all inclusive get away. Since xmas “aint my thing” and its cold as a witches’ titty outside this is really going to be a fantastic week filled with eat, drink, sun, sea my baby and me.

However I find myself in the same place I always find myself when about to embark on something different and new… I undergo fatty travel anxiety. For me that means trying on every single outfit combination I have with really unhealthy thoughts and fears about being judged or feeling out of place. In particular I am thinking of all the predominantly Euro women parading around with topless chests and oh I want tanned twins but worry about what other might think of me. I worry about my BF comparing me to others and maybe finding me lacking I worry about… well just my fat. Normally and in my normal day to day operations this is something that I have been conquering but the thought of a tropical get away and the anxieties therein have caused some of my old patterns to rear their ugly head… especially in light of now tight clothes from the summer because I have gained weight… the gains have mostly to do with a very overpacked schedule and no time to make healthy choices… as well as a very high stress lifestyle.
How I am conquering this is by first, being gentle with myself seeing, ok I am up a size so the hell what? I am still beautiful still me… and that gain has nothing to do with my self worth or my worthiness to others. And then I kick myself because I am trying to compensate for kicking myself for gaining the weight… then I realize the circular argument is hurting me… like meditation I need to recognize the thoughts them let them go.
My other secret weapon is Hilda. Do you know Hilda? She has become my personal avatar of sorts as I am working going from the diet life to the LOVE life. Hilda is a 1950s pinup girl… the ONLY plus size pin up girl and she is gorgeous. She runs she swims, paints,fishes, rides a bike nope she is no woman on a couch she is no object of art as her beauty is motion and emotion and all the wonderful simple joys of living. When I found her I was like, holy crap she looks just like me, body hair and all and especially that sassy attitude!
This is the best website I can find which talks about her in depth and the artist who created her along with the most comprehensive gallery that I found on the net (but if you know of one with more please share).
So tomorrow and next week I am going to remember Hilda and how adorable she is and how adorable I am whenever I feel anxious shy. Om Hilda Om!

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  • Chutti

    I’m so glad you discovered Hilda! And lucky you if you look like her-should be rocking whatever you like on that beach, anyway, but do it Hilda style.

    My husband is an artist and regularly paints active fat women. Duane Bryer and Hilda are one of his big inspirations. I was lucky enough to find him TWO Hilda calendars last year after much searching. 20 yrs ago I gave one to a friend who looks like her. Little did I know how rare they are.

    The greatest thing about Hilda is that she is active, and happy doing her own thing alone. Unlike a few other fat pinups, Bryer never puts her in situations that are demeaning. Comical, yes, but never actively making fun of her or putting her down. In my favorite one, she popping gorgeously out of a red union suit while sweeping the dust under the rug as her little dog watches in amazement. In his favorite, she is on a chaise lounge with a leg cast and a teeny hankie over her naughty bits…reading a book titled ” how to improve your skiing” with wiiiiide eyes. Hilda seems like the girlfriend you’d want to hang out with, in addition to being a hot girl.

    It’s too bad there’s not more like this out there. Believe me when I say galleries don’t want to see it. And yet, there are so many of us who do!

  • Notblueatall

    I love those pics, too cute! And hey, I had the same issues when I went to Hana, Maui, Hawaii. In the end I was sick and tired of holding myself back from the fun. So I finally went into the ocean in my swimsuit and had a blast! So glad that I did! At over 300 pounds, well, I was terrified of all those tropical beauties judging me…in the end though, I had my husband there with me and that was all that mattered. I say go for it! If you never leave your comfort zone you’ll never know how much fun it could be! You can do it! We’re all here cheering you on!

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  • Nicoleisthenewblack

    I love how irrational we can be in times of anxiety. My female mind can be my own worst enemy. As an avid traveller I rarely suffer these types of fears anymore but moreso worry about logistics, like, mmm I wonder if my ass will actually fit in the plane seat? Its usually fine.

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